Why does existence hate me?
by Totemcommon
Summary: A bored  pseudo author falls through a gap early in the morning...  Hilarity shall ensue.
1. I just drop in

You can generally tell how interesting a day is going to be based on how it starts. I'm just going to assume a day will be interesting when the ground beneath you opens up early in the morning. That is what had just happened, but when was I going to land? Nevermind I just found ou-.

When I woke back up I was laying in what appeared to be… the middle of a road. I decided to find out how bad I was hurt before I stood up. The answer was… very, very, badly. Once I was sitting up I decided to look around. What I saw amounted to my stuff, the road, some trees, a blob of inky blackness, and what appeared to be a note. I thought that I may as well read the letter.

_Hello, sorry about the whole kidnapping you thing, but we are going to need your help. Please follow the road towards the small grove of trees to find us so we can fill you in on what is happening. Oh, yeah, and try not to get eaten._

The letter was unsigned. I was about to get up when everything went dark. "I guess I won't get up then."

I took some joy out of the surprise in the voice I heard. "Who's there?" Why me, of course. Why would anyone ask such a silly question? So, after being asked multiple more stupid questions I had one very stupid one of my own: "Who are you?" At this point I was tackled by… really? Why must I always be tackled by short blondes?

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><p><em><strong>This is actually my first attempt at fanfiction that I didn't scrap. I am actually planning on continuing this no matter what, however, reviews would still be appriciated.<strong>_


	2. i get to the heart of the matter

While I was walking I decided to start with a gear check. Maybe I should have done this earlier, but oh well. So, as I walked the lonely road, I looked over what I had. Let's see: Clothes, Cloak, Blonde attached to my arm, Gray string on my left pointer finger (wait, didn't I take that off?), and a pair of sunglasses. I was bored, so I decided to try talking to aforementioned blonde.

"So, what is your name? (After all, you did attack me last time I asked…)" I decided it would be easier if I didn't have to try to figure out what 'MfMma' meant. So I pointed out "It is easier to talk without my arm in your mouth."

She finally stopped eating my arm to say "I know, and to answer your earlier question, my name's Rumia." Well, this narrows it down to three options as to what has happened. I could be hallucinating, or dreaming. Or, something very, **very, VERY **strange is going on. I hadn't realized o was thinking aloud until I heard "Is that so?" from behind me.

"I think so; I'll be able to narrow it down by the end of the day. And before you ask; yes, that is so and I'll do it by looking for a winged flying pancake." In response to her weird look all I could think to say was "what? They seem to be a running theme in my dreams and hallucinations."

I spotted a red archway thing up ahead and decided to see what was at the end of that side path. "Actually, I've been meaning to ask you, what is with the cloak?" I have no clue currently, but I think it is acting like my hoodie normally does. "Is that so?" …I'm thinking aloud again. I'm gonna blame it on the head wound.

I reached a fairly worn down building at the end of the path. I stealthily opened the door and snuck in. As I was closing the door I saw a black and white blur flying towards me. I'm not really sure what happened next but I know something wooden flew through the door, impaled me (along with the door) and kept going. After that I'm looking down on a scene of a black and white clad witch looking at a broom stuck in a door. I figure out what is going on right before she says: "Well, how am I going to get this out, ze?"

"Why should I care?" She turned around quickly and pulled out a hexagonal glowing thing (… a furnace maybe?). "Before you ask, I said that, I don't know who I am, and I think you just impaled me with your broom." At this point a **VERY** annoyed looking red and white clad girl walks in yelling.

"**MARISAAAAAAAAA!**" The witch tries hard to hide, and fails, epically. "I don't mean to interrupt, but, could you help me move this door?" This new girl tries to figure out just what I mean by that. "You know, the door currently lying in the middle of the room; the one pinned down by a broom?" Eventually we manage to move the door and broom.

Underneath the door there was an ash outline of my body. "Well, that certainly explains a few things." The overly dramatic "Is that so?" from the doorway told me that Rumia has decided to find out what had happened. "Well, it proves that I'm at least part vampire. Hmm… is there a shaded place where we can put what's left of my body?"

I guess when she said I probably wouldn't like the one place she could think of she was understating. I will never discuss what happened while I was locked in that room with Mima. **Ever.** I will say that I will never be able to eat anything green again.

Once I climbed out of that hole (in addition to vowing never to return) the girl who had introduced herself as Reimu decided I needed to know how to dodge things. "And luckily," she said, "today just so happens to be the first day of-"

**"!" **

Oh dear me… I guess I have to; they won't let me in until she leaves. And so, we find our hero standing in the middle of a yard, dodging bullets, wondering what's for dinner. Afterwards I went in, ate, and collapsed in the middle of the floor. The last thing I saw before I drifted off was a purple gap-thing appear in mid air and a blonde head stick out and ask: "So, there they are, has anyone touched the grey string?"

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><p><strong>AND THUS, the plot begins. Hooray! also, prepare for things to get wierd. oh and I will explain why anyone may seem OOC in the next chapter.<strong>


	3. I dream of eclectic sheep

**Notice: This Chapter Has Different Narrators (TCHDN) (,,, = trailing off)**

,,, Sleepy time,,,

;;::;;::;;::;;::-Y-::;;::;;::;;::;;

I decided to let the boy sleep, I could tell him later. "Ok, perhaps I should explain,,," The glares pretty much said 'please do'. Cue sweatdrop, "I will explain what I know. He is often called The Many Titled One, for an obvious reason; some of his better titles include That One Guy and (oddly) He Who You Probably Shouldn't Discuss After About Nine O'clock At Night. His power is 'Control of Plot', whatever that truly means; I know he is actually much more powerful than me. The string is called The Timeline, all I know about it is that it allows time travel, and will timeshift anyone who touches it,,,"

;;::;;::;;::;;::-Y-::;;::;;::;;::;;

I found myself in a strange, gray world; one I knew well, my mind. As I wandered I looked for what I refer to as camp personality, where the multiple personality-esque things live. Thankfully, I knew the landmarks, and quickly reached the couch that is camp personality. Now all I had to do was wait for somebody to walk by. As soon as I sat down two blurs flew by, despite the obvious stupidity I followed.

The blurs were the twins, and I couldn't help but laugh at what I saw; they were trying to have a spellcard duel… in six inches. I asked where the rest were, and as I was leaving I heard the female twin yell: My Sign: All By Myself. I flew by the rest of the 'sane' quartet and found the one who won't stop humming. I asked to see any spellcards he had, what he had was: (I couldn't read the first part of some) Billie's Jeans, You ain't seen nothing yet, and Final Countdown: Still Alive. One of them was bad, but seemed like a real thriller.

I wandered off and found the other three. They seemed to be fighting over who has watch over the psycho one (except said psycho one, he doesn't get a say). I could only see the spellcards of the two nearer me. The emo one was blocking all but Frost sign: Mourning Frost, the picture on it was a very distinctive sword. I wonder if he gets the matching armor? The psycho one had a literally flaming card saying Cataclysm: The End Of All Things.

;;::;;::;;::;;::-R-::;;::;;::;;::;;

Yukari was saying some boring stuff, so I decided to ignore her. I just wish I could remember where I recognize him from. I looked down at the sleeping boy and had to resist the urge to eat him; but he looks so tasty, and is so tasty. No, bad Rumia, focus,,,

;;::;;::;;::;;::-R-::;;::;;::;;::;;

The last thing I saw before I woke up was a very large door with memories written on the equally huge lock.


	4. i've got to keep control

Upon awakening I saw the same blonde from before climbing back into the same purple thing. I couldn't make out what the others were saying, in fact I was starting to wonder if I had gone deaf, then I heard an easily recognized voice. "I am the darkness. I am the night. I- why are you laughing?" I couldn't stop laughing, it was just too funny! Wow, I don't think I've ever woken up so fast, but semi-amnesia can do that.

"Rumia, you aren't batman." I had some pain in my right arm after this. "That's uncalled for!" I looked over my shoulder to see a pouting blonde biting into my arm. "I still can't understand you when you are eating my arm." She continued to bite my arm, good thing I'm a leftie. "Can you let go so I can get up?"

Once I was up I decided to tell my basic plan. "Ok, I know what I need to do, but not how to do it. What I need to do is get my memory back, and I know what needs to happen for that, but I need help in my subconscious for that." Everyone was looking at me like I had completely lost my mind. "… maybe I should eat first,,," Rumia looked like she had a good idea for where to get me food. I'm not sure which is worse; the fact that she just started talking with my arm in her mouth, or that I understood her. "Ok, so then just where is this friend of yours?"

I waved as I was drug off by the girl on my arm. After about ten minutes of this we reached a food cart. Rumia waved. "Rumia, can you let go now?" She shook her head, that hurt, a lot. By now I probably looked ready to kill someone… and then eat them. The person (?) inside the cart seemed to notice this and decided to help pry her off me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Was she dragging you here so I could feed you, or cook you?" I gave her my guess, and asked her if Rumia will be alright. "Ok, I'm willing to believe you, not because you've survived this long with her, but because no one she's planning on eating ever asks if she'll be alright." We both heard the stunned girl attempt her catchphrase.

I walked over and helped her to her feet. She seemed to be having trouble standing, much less walking. I decided not to let her stagger across the road, so without thinking, I picked her up and carried her. I don't know why everyone seemed so shocked, it's not like she was heavy. I set her down on one of the seats. Her expression made me burst out laughing, not because it was funny, but because I never expected to be looked at with shock and awe.

"So, what do you two want to eat?" After getting our food; a small plate for me, and a giant pile taller than me for Rumia, we sat down to begin eating. Within ten seconds a pink haired blob appeared in between me and my food. Bad idea. I looked at the blob, which I had since defined as humanoid; here a large dichotomy appeared between the inside of my mind and reality, in one there was a large volcanic eruption going on.

In the other, things had gone downhill. I grabbed the blob and threw it across the clearing taking a sick joy as it hit a tree. I then took off the cloak and sunglasses, the ground below me caught fire. I walked calmly across the street, melting the sand on top into glass. I stopped on a rocky outcropping and leaned on a tree, causing the tree to catch fire and the rock to melt. A greenish blur charged towards me, I caught her by the head and threw her at the still stunned blob. In a VERY creepy voice I said something quite simple, "_**I'd run along home now if I were you, 'cause I'm still hungry.**_"

The two simply fell through the ground and disappeared. I walked back, sat down, and began eating. Everyone looked at me like I had just destroyed a large building. "What? They got in between me and my food."

The owner (and chef) asked me if there was anything they could do to pay me back for saving them. I asked for another plate. I honestly think this is the first time my losing control has earned me free food, but who am I to complain?

And so, after I finished eating I got directions to the nearest people who could help me. So, I put the cloak back on (What? It's cold outside!) and wandered off, looking for a hole in the ground. Little did I know that two distinctively clothed heroines had gone to the food cart to investigate my 'little show'.

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><p><strong>Looks like we found a worse idea than calling the one who likes borders old. Also, don't get used to daily updates, I just had nothing to do. And, yes, all the chapter titles are puns.<strong>


	5. I need more heart

**Itallics represent the dark side of the personality,** _You should join us, we have cake! _**Dont Do it! Anyway, on with the show!**

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><p>I continued my semi-aimless wandering for about an hour. I decided to hide in a nearby cave around dawn. My reasoning was simple, I don't care if it's day or night, and Rumia is nocturnal. Rumia fell asleep with her teeth still in my arm (shouldn't she have let go?). I decided I may as well explore the cave, so I picked up the weight attached to my arm and walked deeper into the cave. This is one huge cave.<p>

The first thing of interest I came to was (cue dramatic music) a small pond. I won't bore you with the details of the rest of my walk. (… Shit, I just broke the fourth wall didn't I?) In the end I found nothing of interest. This went on for many days, many, many days.

Eventually I found the right place (don't ask how long it took, please). So, I walked along the path, ignoring the girl who kept making comments about jealousy. _You could just kill her._ Ok, I haven't eaten in waaaay to long. After a while more walking (I really need to learn how to fly) I ran into a girl pushing a wheelbarrow filled with lots of dead bunnies, some of them killed in quite creative ways. _ That one there looks tasty._ Shut up, I'm not going to eat something dead in a wheelbarrow. Then I noticed something odd about the girl, which I had to ask about.

"Why do you have four ears?" She looked at me like I was completely insane. "What? I'm just curious."

She smiled, "don't you know that curiosity killed the cat?" I just had to smile at that, followed by a very accurate kitteny meow. After we had both finished laughing she asked, "So, what are you down here for?" I didn't see any reason to lie, so I told the truth (or at least some of it). "Well, I'm headed that direction for a bit so why don't you follow me?"

"Lead the way!" eventually I got bored. "So, a lot of dead bunnies, huh?" she nodded. "Some of them look pretty artistically killed,,," She nodded again. Rumia finally woke up at this time. I was still looking at the pile of bodies and didn't notice. "Wait, is that one a chef?" she nodded, "then I guess you could say that they were,,, out of thyme." I pulled the sunglasses off as I said the last few words. Rumia smacked me, "ok, ok, I deserved that."

"We're here!" hooray! "Just go through that door and (if necessary) explain what you need." We waved goodbye and said thanks, I even told her I will find out the answer to my first question. And I opened the doors (well, technically only one) stealthily. I walked through the large entryway and walked towards the first person I found, motioning for Rumia to be quiet.

"You aren't going to be able to sneak up on me, Rumia. I know you're there," she said. I continued to sneak closer, she continued to tell Rumia that she couldn't sneak up on her. Eventually I was right behind her, all she said was, "Rumia, really, you can't sneak up on me, I can read your mind."

I responded with the first thing that came to mind, in my best impression of my arms permanent guest's voice, "Is that so?" She nods, and I ask a simple question in my own voice, "Then why haven't you said a single thing about me?" She seemed surprised, "what, didn't know there were two of us?" Ah, aren't mindgames fun? But all games must come to an end, so I walked around in front of her.

"So, you are the one who snuck up on me." I nod. "Well, since I'm sure you are wondering, I am Satori. Looking at Rumia's memories, you've already met one of my pets, Rin it seems." So that's her name, good thing to remember. "So, why are you here?"

"I need help," I proceeded to tell her the story to tell her what I needed. She told me that her sister could help, told me I was lucky that she was here at the time, and told me how to get to her. After going through some strange places I reached the room shown. I walked into the room and saw a girl who matched the description I was given. " Are you Koishi?"

"Yes, but who are you?" That's part of the problem! I explained the problem I was having and my idea for a solution. "Yes, that might work, but why should I help you?" Because I asked nicely? "And besides, I couldn't help you even if I wanted to." WHAT? "I can't help you because you have no pulse." Well, at least I know what I need to do.

As I was walking out I asked Satori the same question I had vowed to find out the answer to. "It's a secret no one knows." I almost laughed aloud at that, but decided against it. I waved goodbye and told Rumia to hang on, and took off at my maximum speed, quickly slowing down to 'cruising speed'. And so I ran.

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><p><strong>So, the next destination should be obvious, but who will we see on the way there? Oh, the last chapter lied, it's title was a song lyric, not a pun, but, oh well.<strong>


End file.
